Post by Eric Black on Jun 26, 2009 19:54:43 GMT -6
First Entry:
We're born, we live, we die. Sometimes we die before we live, sometimes we live a little too long. Seems like all that moral bullshit gets more distant the older you get when you're a guy like me. I was on a boat last night. Helped dump a kid's body in the ocean...couldn't have been older than 20. This is what we call 'progress' when you're working alongside organized crime. When you're working alongside a 'family'. There's no family to it, as far as I'm concerned. I slave away, losing my soul to goddamn narcotics, losing honor, losing face. Addicted to painkillers since I can remember. I promised ma and pop that I'd get my life sorted away when I became a police officer. Truth is, I'm further away from redemption than ever. Too far deep to ever become clean. Too far into the bad life to ever be one of the 'good guys'. I gave that life up, because I was afraid. I was fuckin scared of living clean. I needed drugs. I need them because my mind is so full of hate, if I was clean, I'd blast myself.
I look back at the riots. Police brutality. Fuckin everyday joes throwing cinder blocks on the skulls of the weak. Murder, arson, rape. It was hell on earth, I swear to god. I was a midteen punk, grew up in LA without a fuckin dollar in my pocket, and I watched people like me light this world of mine on fire.
That's when it all started. Guess you could call me a product of society, but that'd make me the victim. And I'd be saying bullshit if that were true. I've done this. I've killed, condemned, and destroyed...innocence...righteousness...all of it. When I saw my brother, his corpse, lying lifeless on the street while chaos surrounded me, I felt something break a little. Like I was the only one left. Parents are sad, but they dont feel the anger like I do. They want justice...but they dont want to get even. There's the difference I guess. I just want to get even with this world. Indecent times. So I make a couple tough calls for some bad guys, but it's all good in the end. I'm doing what I gotta do, keeping tabs, making sure my parents' shop is safe.
I'm sick of it. Sick of these people. Of this life. But it will never stop. I just can't quite let go of it. Not now. Not ever.
We're born, we live, we die. Sometimes we die before we live, sometimes we live a little too long. Seems like all that moral bullshit gets more distant the older you get when you're a guy like me. I was on a boat last night. Helped dump a kid's body in the ocean...couldn't have been older than 20. This is what we call 'progress' when you're working alongside organized crime. When you're working alongside a 'family'. There's no family to it, as far as I'm concerned. I slave away, losing my soul to goddamn narcotics, losing honor, losing face. Addicted to painkillers since I can remember. I promised ma and pop that I'd get my life sorted away when I became a police officer. Truth is, I'm further away from redemption than ever. Too far deep to ever become clean. Too far into the bad life to ever be one of the 'good guys'. I gave that life up, because I was afraid. I was fuckin scared of living clean. I needed drugs. I need them because my mind is so full of hate, if I was clean, I'd blast myself.
I look back at the riots. Police brutality. Fuckin everyday joes throwing cinder blocks on the skulls of the weak. Murder, arson, rape. It was hell on earth, I swear to god. I was a midteen punk, grew up in LA without a fuckin dollar in my pocket, and I watched people like me light this world of mine on fire.
That's when it all started. Guess you could call me a product of society, but that'd make me the victim. And I'd be saying bullshit if that were true. I've done this. I've killed, condemned, and destroyed...innocence...righteousness...all of it. When I saw my brother, his corpse, lying lifeless on the street while chaos surrounded me, I felt something break a little. Like I was the only one left. Parents are sad, but they dont feel the anger like I do. They want justice...but they dont want to get even. There's the difference I guess. I just want to get even with this world. Indecent times. So I make a couple tough calls for some bad guys, but it's all good in the end. I'm doing what I gotta do, keeping tabs, making sure my parents' shop is safe.
I'm sick of it. Sick of these people. Of this life. But it will never stop. I just can't quite let go of it. Not now. Not ever.
